


Consuming thoughts

by Oreochan



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Being Lost, Gen, Mental Health Issues, No Plot/Plotless, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-26 04:26:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14992733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oreochan/pseuds/Oreochan
Summary: She is lost, but that's okay.





	Consuming thoughts

Most of the time it got better, she would try to convince herself that it was okay and that it was fine, that she was fine. She would convince herself that she was worth it, that she was enough. Other times weren’t so bright.

Her thought always wandered, always brought her down and drowned her. Her thought were her own bully, telling her she wasn’t pretty enough, she wasn’t smart enough, and she wasn’t going to achieve what she wanted.

She wasn’t lonely per se. She had friends who loved her, but they always told her positive things and that she should have more faith in herself. She wasn’t always sure that she believed them.

She didn’t like looking in the mirror because she didn’t like what she saw. It was like her reflection was mocking her, showing her all the insecurities that she didn’t want to see, all the things she tried to hide. Maybe it was okay if she was the only one who saw.  
She wanted to be empty. Instead she was full of toxic thoughts, anxiety, and impossible scenarios. It made her want to rip out her insides so she could have a few moments of peace and quiet.

Everything was her fault even if it wasn’t. There was always this voice which told her that she should feel ashamed and guilty. And she did. She felt guilty about doing things that normal people do like; talking about her feelings or do something she liked, even showing her real personality made her guilty.

And she was worthless. She accepted it a long while ago. She just needed her brain to stop reminding her every second; this just made her existence even more unbearable.

She always wanted to hide. She would have the urge to wrap her arms around herself and go unnoticed, but she was too tall, too awkward, too noticeable. Why couldn’t she just be like other girls? It made her feel like a freak.

She felt unworthy of every little thing. She made excuses to get out of something she wanted to do. She’d avoid getting compliments, she'd avoid participating in class or showing her talents. She had always thought that it wasn’t her right to do something special because she was never going to be special. She was just plain and ordinary.

She was always embarrassed. She couldn’t do anything because of her shyness. She’d rather be called stupid than give answers and embarrass herself if she sounded ridiculous. She’d rather have this wall built around her. Even a little bit of security was nice.  
She hated that she never tries. She’d let people think what they wanted about her without correcting them. She’d let her parents think that she didn’t care and was emotional. She didn’t try to talk to her parents about her problems or ask for help. She was too afraid of being rejected.

She was jealous. Almost irrationally jealous. She’d be jealous of the people her friends talked to, or the children her parents interacted with. It was just her insecurities and not possessiveness. Her friends might find better people to be friends with and decide that she wasn’t actually worth their time and her parents would prefer a more happy and sociable child. She was just a fuck up, after all.

She hated that she wasn’t always like this. She used to be more bubbly and sociable. She knew everyone in her classroom, spoke her mind more often, and was friendly to her teachers. She would joke around and sing in front of her class. She didn’t know what happened, it was like she woke up one day and she couldn’t do it anymore. She still forced herself to be the same fun and happy person because she didn’t know who else to be. She was lost and she didn’t want anyone to see it and cause worry. It was how she kept going on.

She didn’t like to think that her family didn’t love her, but she did. She always felt like they’re obligated to love her and not because they actually love her. It hurt her even if it was all in her head, it hurt her to the point which she felt like she was obligated to love them, too. She knew all parents judged their children, but she never felt supported, they never encouraged what she did or wanted to do, of course they would tell her that what she wanted to do was great, but they never cared. They never asked her about her progress or if she was still interested in that thing or not. It might be irrational, but her whole thought process was. 

She hated that she couldn’t hide her feelings well. If she were sad, she wouldn’t smile. If she were tired, she wouldn’t get up or even try to. It wasn’t that she wanted to lie or be mysterious, she just didn’t want people to ask her what’s wrong. She couldn’t stand it because she didn’t have an answer, she couldn’t just say that she doesn’t know. She couldn’t just tell them that she remembered she had a lot to do and now she was very anxious. She couldn’t say that she started thinking about really bad thoughts or imagined awful scenarios that made her feel depressed. She couldn’t say that her brain dragged her down. They wouldn’t understand.

She couldn’t stand it when people told her that she thought of the future too much or that it wasn’t the right time to think about that. She didn’t like it when they told her that she should think about the present and let everything fall into place. They didn’t know that it was her way of escaping sometimes. When she had remembered the things that she had to do and how busy and exhausted she was going to be and how anxious and sleep deprived she was going to be, she always thought of ways to stop freaking out by thinking of the future, the future when she had finished all of this. The problem was that her mind always went overboard and before she knew it, she had thought of every single aspect of her future life. They never understood that her thinking of the future was just to find something to be excited about because she couldn’t find anything worth being happy and positive for. 

And she was a complete mess. Yes, she was organised, maybe even to a level one would consider an OCD, but she was a mess. Her thoughts were a mess, her relationships with people were a mess, even her appearance made her feel like a mess. She felt that her whole life was a mess even when everything was in order. It was always hell because she couldn’t stand the mess, it made her so anxious that she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stop thinking about it. The worst part that it was never real.

She hated caring about people. She cared too much about people and she hated it. She hated that she couldn’t do anything to help them, they hurt and hurt in front of her, but she couldn’t say anything so she looked like she didn’t care. All she could do was listen, but it wasn’t enough. Nothing was ever enough for her. She didn’t just care about the people she loved, she cared about strangers, about people she didn’t know. It hurt her that she saw lonely people hurt when all she wanted to do was hug them and tell them that they’re not alone, that she cared about them. She couldn’t. Life didn’t work like that. 

She was angry. She was angry all them time and it affected everything she did. She was angry because she didn’t do something right, she was angry because she forgot to put something in her bag, she was angry because people weren’t as organized as she was, or as she wanted them to be. Her anger was irrational most of the time. She felt like people were trying to piss her off because they didn’t seem to do anything but be stupid and make her angry. She didn’t like being angry, she couldn’t breathe when she was angry. She tended to hurt herself when she was angry, she would dig her fingers into her palms until they reddened and maybe drew blood sometimes. She would hurt herself to stop herself from exploding. When she was angry she would want to punch someone or destroy something. She hated getting angry at people because then she would say awful things. She just wanted the anger to stop.

She was content with just staying invisible, being noticed or getting any sort of attention made her very uncomfortable. That’s why being in class or answering a question was her worst nightmare. When she spoke in front of a large group of people, her voice would come out small, weak and shaky, her heartbeat would go crazy and her whole body would feel extremely hot, but her hands so cold and sweaty. She felt like she would have a panic attack, so she had to speak quickly so it would be over. If she stood in front of large group of people, her legs would shake so much that she was sure it was noticeable and that she would fall to her knees. She wished that she didn’t have to, that people wouldn’t force her out of her comfort zone, but sometimes it was necessary. It was a miracle that she hasn’t threw up yet.

And she always gave up. She never had enough courage to fight for what she wanted. It was always hard because she wasn’t someone who could forget about something she to do or have, she would think and think and think until she couldn’t take it anymore, but she didn’t fight for it, she didn’t try. She hated people making wrong assumptions about her, but she gave up on correcting them. She hated when someone misunderstood something she said, but she gave up on making them understand. Some people might say that she didn’t care, but she did, and she remembered every time she gave up on something and it killed her every time. Maybe that’s why liking someone was kind of the worst thing ever for her, she couldn’t find it in her to fight for someone, she would just close her eyes and hope for the accusing voices in her head to fade away.

Sometimes everything got so overwhelming that she needed the world to stop for a second, so that she could catch her breath. It would get so overwhelming that she couldn’t anything but cry and cry until she had no tears left, until she was staring blankly at nothing with dried tears on her cheeks, an unbearable ache in her head, and nothingness in her chest. She was lucky that this only happened in private, but she would get that overwhelming feeling outside and it was awful, but she kept it in until she was alone. Then she broke down.

She always wanted to be one of those people who never cared what people thought of them, but people’s words has always got to her. Always. When she was told something even if it wasn’t bad, she would think about it twenty-four hours until she got sick of it. When she was told something bad, it would destroy her, she would think about it then start to believe it, then it would be who she was. She was that weak. People just never understood that their words left her broken and hopeless, they never understood that one word can ruin her entire day, and make her lose every ounce of self-confidence that she might have had. People just took it so lightly, with the compliments, with the critic and it wasn’t okay with her because she didn’t take any of it lightly and she already hated herself for it. Why couldn’t she just be chill and normal?

And one of the many reasons she didn’t want to tell anyone about her thoughts that she didn’t want to feel like a burden. She didn’t want them to know that she thought about everything they told her and she overthought it until she got sad and depressed. She didn’t want them to know how easy it was for her to be hurt and hate herself more. If they knew, they would be careful with their words around her. They would watch their behaviours so they wouldn’t hurt her feelings and it killed her to think about it. It killed her to think that her friends wouldn’t be so careless and free around her, that they would be restrained. It wasn’t like she didn’t already feel like a burden. Maybe they would rather if she were more careless herself.

She didn’t want to be alone. She knew that she may have said that she felt more comfortable being alone especially if her family were away, but it wasn’t true all the time. Her family were often not at home, they actually were only home to eat and sleep, then when they weren't doing that they wouldn’t be home and she was left all alone. She didn’t complain because she was too lazy, she was too tired, and she was too empty to ask for someone to stay with her. She had a problem with revealing any emotions to her family, she couldn’t say that she wanted someone home with her, that she wanted to feel like someone was there when she needed anything. It was very hard for her so she stopped needing them, she stopped but sometimes it got too depressing that she couldn’t deal with being alone, but she never tried to tell them to stay. She wanted it simple and the simple thing was to just stay home alone and suck it up. Maybe try not to cry too much.

Meeting new people was the ever present problem. She couldn’t just tell people that she could be familiar with them, but she didn’t want the commitment, she didn’t want to have to greet them, to have regular conversations with them, to listen to their problems and try to comfort them. She didn’t want to be rude or unapproachable, but she couldn’t deal with that kind of pressure, she didn’t want people to expect something from her, she didn’t want them to look for comfort when they told her their problems because she didn’t know how to offer it, she didn’t know what to say to make a situation better. Maybe she didn’t even want people to think that she was normal. Her moods were too frequent and too bad.

She wanted people to understand that when she would sometimes ask, “it’s not actually that hard, is it?” She just wanted someone to reassure her. When she was unusually positive, she was just trying to convince herself and she was trying to find someone to tell her that everything is going to be okay, even when it was a lie. She didn’t like it when people answered negatively to her insecure little questions, she didn’t like it when people said “I don’t know if it will get better.” Or, “I don’t think that it will be easier.” Those responses got to her head and crumbled her barely there security.

And she was flawed, so flawed that she didn’t know what was good in her anymore. Maybe that was part of the reason why she didn’t anyone to get closer. She didn’t want anyone to love her because love meant accepting her flaws and she didn’t want that, she didn’t want someone to see them and accept them, she didn’t want them there at all, period. She couldn’t let someone accept her when she couldn’t even accept herself. She didn’t want to be a burden to a person she loved. She realised that it was impossible to be flawless but she didn’t want to be flawless, she just didn’t want to have so many flaws.

She always wanted to feel special. She would call her friends a special nickname that no one called them by but her. She would try so hard to have inside jokes with people that no one knew about. Feeling special made her more secure, made her have faith in the relationship she had with another person, but it hurt her when the person didn’t accept her ways to feel special to them. It didn’t mean that they didn’t love her because not everyone thought like she did ,which was something she seemed to forget often, it just meant that they didn’t need this to establish whatever relationship they had with her. She was always too insecure.

And she is at her rock bottom. She is at this stage where nothing matters anymore and she doesn’t want this. She wants to stop the bad thoughts, the self loathing, and the doubt. She wants to become free, to become a person who is able to be positive and maintain normal relationships. She is at this stage where she doesn’t think that she’ll ever be okay or accept herself. Maybe things won’t get better for her, maybe she doesn’t deserve what she wants. Maybe it has always been in her head.


End file.
